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doubt

No, a real posting this time…

Last one was quite a weak excuse, wasn’t it? But, I’m in a Web Mood. I’ve just been brushing up on my Web skills a bit and thought I’d upgrade the place and add a few ideas I hit on elsewhere. And say hello, if anyone’s still reading. Always appreciate feedback, but prefer it not to be of an anyonymous nature.

My financial situation is still dreadful and the hunt for regular, stable work continues. Yeah, I’m told about my boundless talent quite often; just hasn’t paid off a great deal to date. But I’m still slogging away trying to get to a better position.
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A Farce, You Say?

Hmmm… haven’t felt much like writing on here for a while. Real life gets in the way sometimes, have had a really, really weird three weeks, sometimes very depressed and generally disorientated.

Well, the move to Brighton happened. And about five seconds after, I realised it was a total, fucking mistake. You can’t begin to imagine what an amazing mind-fuck that is. This is what happens if you’re stuck in a too-expensive place on your own—you don’t think things through properly.

How can I detail my problems with Brighton? *sigh* Let’s try a bulleted list…

* I actually have friends in London.
* I miss them.
* It’s not as quick/easy to get to London as I deluded myself.
* It’s even harder to get to anywhere else in the country. Travel from here is just a total pisser.
* I got shit on by a bird for the first time since I was about seven years old within a couple of days of coming here.
* The coastal winds are utterly vicious, especially at night.
* And the nights are cooooooooold.
* Spiders and woodlice and bugs generally… lots of them. Everywhere.
* Nothing resembling a ‘proper’ city locally.
* Most of the buildings are ancient and in a shockingly awful state of decay. Even the really expensive ones. Double-glazing hasn’t been invented here yet.
* Living in an ancient, conversion-job building with a shared entrance and paper-thin walls really sucks. I don’t want to know when someone in the floor above farts, but I pretty much do.
* This Hobbit-hole won’t even allow a single divan through its doors. I still have neither a proper sofa to sit on or a bed to sleep on.
* Fresh coastal air, yes, but tons of earthy dirt and grime and dust nonetheless. Everywhere. Poor pooch Fred had a totally black belly within a week of being here.

And on and on and on. Think you get the idea. Brighton’s a beautiful place to visit, but man, living here is another matter entirely.
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To Move or Not?

Okay… one more stab before making a final decision on whether to move from here.

I’ve had problems finding someone to share this place. There were a couple of possibilities, but ultimately they wanted somewhere cheaper and nearer the city centre. (Bit of a contradiction in terms, that, unless you want to live in a complete dump. The centre is only a 25-min tube ride away anyway.) The other problem is that I’m a bit ‘funny’ about who I’d share with.

Absolutely no religious nutters, no crack addicts or hookers, no Nazis. Etc. I don’t suppose those objections are so unusual, thinking about it. 😉 But no doubt I can be cranky and eccentric sometimes, which isn’t to everyone’s liking. And I’m quite nocturnal more often than not.
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Ditch the Habit!

Just watched a fairly interesting TV documentary on all this Mel Gibson/Passion business. I don’t know if interesting’s the right word, really. Hmmm. I’ll give that some thought.

60% of Americans are Christians, apparently. I don’t think this figure surprises me—I’d be curious to hear the comaparitive statistic for the UK. I’d imagine it would be significantly lower, but perhaps I’m wrong.

I wonder how many of these people could articulate a coherent/credible reason for their faith, as opposed to it being something they take for granted, having been indoctrinated from an early age and not having the presence of mind to ask the right (or wrong) questions? Is the dynamic really so different to the acceptance and reinforcement of bigotry (because your parents were, yada yada yada), the status quo, etc? ‘My family/tribe’s dogma/system says thus—who am I to say otherwise [bleating sound]?’
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I Want to be a Brain Surgeon

It’s odd how my vocal acceptance of Web design not being the career for me causes another long debate about it! I can’t escape from it.

What I really want is to go into brain surgery. But I need practice. I have a load of good utensils in the kitchen. Volunteers? Er, no one’s doubting my inestimable skill are they?
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Slight Improvement?!

I’m experiencing some emotional turmoil, with various factors ever-present. My employment situation, general isolation and lack of self-belief, etc. They’re big issues, without any obvious answers, and it drags my morale down constantly. It is possible in fifteen years to go from thinking you have tons of creative potential to believing you’re worth nothing. A long cycle of non-success is usually sufficient.
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Back and Forth

No, I haven’t abandoned the blog. I just haven’t had much to say, really. Mom and I both had a nasty cold week before last (caught from her boss), and with mom’s health not being great, she’s still suffering the effects, so it’s been a subdued atmosphere.

I got asked for a blowjob today by someone about 15 years my junior. Charming folk round here! But, I guess, the nearest thing to a proposition I’m gonna get anytime soon. 🙂
Read More »Back and Forth