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doubt

Success is…?

I think I consider myself an unsuccessful person in most respects. I’m always wary of buying into someone else’s subjective value system; our government would, no doubt, love to ram their values down all our throats forcibly if that were possible. I’m trying to define success on a personal level that means something to me.

Trouble is, even on my own terms, I can’t find much from my current or past life that would qualify as successful (or even especially rewarding, which is probably the best kind of success of all). I’ve wasted half my life treading water. I think my recent birthday still troubles me on that level.

I don’t think I relate to other people very well. Most people are very facile at pretending they’re okay (most of the time), really well adjusted and comfortable, etc. I’m not sure it’s possible for any of us to be genuinely comfortable in this intense, madhouse environment we’re living in. We’ve abandoned almost everything that constituted our default existence, and such profound artificiality can’t possibly hold together coherently. Well, I mean, it doesn’t! I think society is more culturally divided than it ever was, even though more people are straining to pretend otherwise. (Usually, alas, to flatter their own egos rather than to seek genuine change.)
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Terminal Tedium

I can honestly say, right now, the Internet is boring the hell out of me in a bigger way than at any other point in my eight years online.

Hence, the lack of blogging. I find it hard to see the point in bothering at the moment. I’m certainly not part of the Blogging Community, if such a thing exists, and I don’t feel this blog gives me any kind of real connection with other people. The worst thing is, people only tend to respond to me when I’m ranting. From that, I must infer that I’m boring as hell when I’m not having a moan! That doesn’t provide me with very much incentive. I’m not gonna moan to get attention, but I can’t be bothered wasting my time on something that people find dull, either. Maybe I am dull!
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Bored and Boring

I am feeling a little disillusioned again. It’s not been a good few weeks, and I can’t help noticing that I’ve largely failed to write anything even slightly interesting on this blog for some time. Depending on how you define interesting, maybe.

Perhaps a break is a good idea. I might feel better when this move is out of the way, but it’s dragging on ridiculously, to be honest. There isn’t any solid reason that it wasn’t more or less finalised a month ago. I’m incredibly bored, and I feel this is making anything I say incredibly boring…
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Don’t Make Me Angry, Etc.

Don’t Make Me Angry, Etc.

Well, I’m tempted to go and see it. We just watched a documentary about it on Five, which was fairly interesting. Oh, that green guy above? It’s Hulk. I bet you didn’t know that.

I have mixed feelings about the CGI. In order to make a creature that even vaguely resembles the comic book version, special effects are obviously necessary. From the scenes I’ve seen, it looks incredibly good in parts—but not so good in others. You know, I think the colour is partly the problem. The CGI Hulk looks best in scenes where there’s a lot of shadowing and the colour is subdued… but where the lighting is strong, it’s just too vivid. That shade can work in the comics, but it adds to the unreality of things on film. I think I might have gone for a more olive shade of green.
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Going, Going, Gone! [redux]

We drove past our new flat today. There’s an estate agents board out the front which says SOLD… and for once, I’m looking at those words and knowing it means the place is ours. Bar the formalities.

That’s an incredibly peculiar feeling. Apart from several brief, abortive periods of moving away to my own place, I’ve lived in this house for just over 19 years. Which is the bigger part of my life. Even worse, I’ve never really liked this house, or the street, or the neighbours. It’s a long time to be living somewhere you don’t like.
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Definitely Maybe Moving

Well, yes, we might have a new home! The flat’s location is okay. In fact, in terms of public transport, it’s excellent. The estate is a bit, uh, mediocre. The flat itself is just average, and needs to be completely redecorated. But it could be a lot worse.

It was brand new on the market, so we were the first to view it. Mom decided to say we were interested. We got a call late this afternoon from the estate agents to tell us the seller was agreeable, so it’s ours if we want it.

As always, for me, mixed feelings. Somewhere just a wee bit nicer would make me feel better, really. But, the truth is, nothing else vaguely acceptable and within our budget might turn up for another six months. Our financial situation is bad. The car’s MOT and tax is up early next week, and we can’t afford to renew it, so until we move and have more spare cash, the car’s out of action.
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Going, Going, Gone!

I guess it’s time for the latest, highly entertaining house move news. *sigh* We found out (yesterday) that the flat’s already been sold. In fact, it was already sold, bar the formalities, prior to Monday when mom went to see it… shame the estate agents didn’t bother mentioning this and saving her a journey. They were very apologetic, but it’s quite shabby. I won’t mention which estate agents it was, though.
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