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Convert to the Ring

Well, much to my surprise, mom did finally decide to give Lord of the Rings a fair hearing. We watched the first two episodes recently. Not on the same night, okay! 🙂 She hates this kind of thing normally, but all the hype and good reviews weakened her resolve. Of course, she ended up thinking they were terrific, and we plan to see the final part at the cinema soon. (Not right now; we’re both suffering from yet another cold virus at the moment. Lovely.)

Watching The Two Towers a second time helped resolve some of my own reservations about it. I’m told the extended version has better editing, but on the whole, I enjoyed it better than the first viewing. Look, I won’t forgive Jackson for the Christopher Lee thing in a hurry, but that doesn’t mean I don’t admire this work on many levels. It’s a genuine achievement.
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Does a New Year Mean Anything?

I’m not sorry to see 2003 go. It was in some ways a significant year… we got the house move situation sorted out, finally, and I made the arguably foolish decision to kiss Der State Benefit System goodbye because I no longer felt my life was my own…

That said, I can no longer define a year as a unit as precisely as I felt I once could. Each year once appeared to have a particular ‘personality,’ which no longer seems to be the case (to me). Well, after all, a year is just an arbitrary unit of measurement, so the former impression was probably illusory.
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I Want to be a Brain Surgeon

It’s odd how my vocal acceptance of Web design not being the career for me causes another long debate about it! I can’t escape from it.

What I really want is to go into brain surgery. But I need practice. I have a load of good utensils in the kitchen. Volunteers? Er, no one’s doubting my inestimable skill are they?
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Slight Improvement?!

I’m experiencing some emotional turmoil, with various factors ever-present. My employment situation, general isolation and lack of self-belief, etc. They’re big issues, without any obvious answers, and it drags my morale down constantly. It is possible in fifteen years to go from thinking you have tons of creative potential to believing you’re worth nothing. A long cycle of non-success is usually sufficient.
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Back and Forth

No, I haven’t abandoned the blog. I just haven’t had much to say, really. Mom and I both had a nasty cold week before last (caught from her boss), and with mom’s health not being great, she’s still suffering the effects, so it’s been a subdued atmosphere.

I got asked for a blowjob today by someone about 15 years my junior. Charming folk round here! But, I guess, the nearest thing to a proposition I’m gonna get anytime soon. 🙂
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1095 Days

Well, it’s now December, which means this blog’s three years old. How scary. Life was quite substantially different three years ago (in both a better way and a worse way). Starting a blog was just a laugh at the time, which on reflection might be the best attitude to have, since looking for a greater importance seems bound to fail.
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Moving On

As noted in the previous comments thingy, I made the decision Monday that I’d had enough of the endless New Deal harassments (it’s been going on in some form or other since March). I had two appointments in one day: I neglected to attend both of them.

The government will, of course, suspend my benefit almost immediately. Well, tough! I almost took this route four months ago, but someone out there (not a Jobcentre person, I hasten to add) decided to treat me with a bit of understanding. Fine. But enough’s enough. Their tiny handouts just aren’t worth the stress. Sunday, I had a recurrence of IBS, which hasn’t bothered me for a year or so. By Monday, it was crippling me. Funnily enough, it’s mostly subsided now. I might be in deep shit as far as money goes, but I feel a lot less stressed out.

Oh, I haven’t a clue what to do. Broadly speaking, I think I have to consider myself self-employed at the moment and figure out if I can make money from something for once in my life.
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Success is…?

I think I consider myself an unsuccessful person in most respects. I’m always wary of buying into someone else’s subjective value system; our government would, no doubt, love to ram their values down all our throats forcibly if that were possible. I’m trying to define success on a personal level that means something to me.

Trouble is, even on my own terms, I can’t find much from my current or past life that would qualify as successful (or even especially rewarding, which is probably the best kind of success of all). I’ve wasted half my life treading water. I think my recent birthday still troubles me on that level.

I don’t think I relate to other people very well. Most people are very facile at pretending they’re okay (most of the time), really well adjusted and comfortable, etc. I’m not sure it’s possible for any of us to be genuinely comfortable in this intense, madhouse environment we’re living in. We’ve abandoned almost everything that constituted our default existence, and such profound artificiality can’t possibly hold together coherently. Well, I mean, it doesn’t! I think society is more culturally divided than it ever was, even though more people are straining to pretend otherwise. (Usually, alas, to flatter their own egos rather than to seek genuine change.)
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No Letter From the Queen

Well, hey, I’m still here. No wrist-slashing antics during the night. I’m coping with being an old fart remarkably well. By my standards, that is.

And yes, this comes to you from a new computer, which came Tuesday. Last time I bought a new computer, almost two years ago, it was a second-hand piece of tat due to limited funds (my old old one blew up). So, okay, it’s only a computer… but it sure is nice to use compared to the creaky old brute I’ve been stuck with. 18″ TFT too—sexy! And I can burn CDs now. Of course, without a pack of CDs to play with, that isn’t much use. Today is shopping day, so that situation will be remedied shortly.
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