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The Meaning of Whatever

Hmmm… well, I’m not even sure I have a need to do this blog anymore. But I guess I’ll keep it, at least until a better idea turns up. Maybe I’ll think of a good use for it sometime.

‘What about all your moaning about how crappy life is?’ Yeah, exactly. I’ve noticed that a lot of people use their blogs for that purpose and it makes me think, maybe perversely, that it must be a bit of a naff thing to do! In any case, I’d like to think that my desire to moan is diminishing… I could pretty easily whine about our dog’s illness, or the fact that my social life is, to say the least, minimalistic, but… it’s old. Been there, done it.
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Creativity

Thinking about creative stuff. Again.

I’m not sure I actually enjoy writing all that much… the results can be pleasing on occasion, but the process itself, I’m not so sure about… I have a strong feeling I’m just grasping at something a few people seem to think I do well. I’ve read interviews with lots of writers and they always say, ‘I just have to write. Even if I was penniless and a complete failure, I’d still have a write. It’s a need.’ I don’t feel that. I’m just trying to find something that I can earn money from.

I did enjoy drawing. A long time ago. But once I realised I was crap, the enjoyment disappeared a good deal, because I’d spent several years chasing something I wasn’t real good at.
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Uninspired

I have been doing a bit more writing, but it’s in small bursts. I revised a story I wrote about a year ago, and I have four other new items in various stages of not being complete. I think I’d feel a lot more inspired if I felt better generally… but at least what I have written seems to be less crippled with infantile mannerisms than it used to be. I might even get a bit of self-belief back eventually.
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Guestbook Fun

Wow. Last night a so-called old friend of mine induced one of their creepy pals to come here and leave a truly obscene message on my guestbook (which, you’ll be disappointed to hear, has been deleted). [NOTE: Guestbook no longer online.]

Having been slightly debilitated with a touch of flu for a couple of days, and feeling miserable, this was a truly pleasant thing for me to see. Let’s just say that part of the message’s content implied I have sex with dogs… and some of it was even more offensive. *sigh*
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Pet Problems

Monday was a bit of a drama with our poor, ailing pooch, Fred. He seemed in quite a lot of discomfort and losing more blood than usual (usual being in the context of his illness). So off we went to the vet, completely expecting Fred to not be coming home with us. It was really quite traumatic.

However, the vet would not recommend putting him to sleep. The decision was in our hands. He suggested doubling the dose of Fred’s medication, and advised us to monitor his ‘quality of life’—that if he seemed in constant discomfort, that would be an indication that perhaps the time had come.

Well, as it has turned out, this was just a bad day, and the vet was right to be cautious. He’s seemed reasonably okay since then. We all know he won’t be around for too much longer, but it’s no joke to go through the experience of thinking it’s the end… and when it isn’t, knowing you’re going to go through it all again sometime.
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Movin’ On

Still working on getting rid of my flat. Moved a lot of stuff back home, but will need a van for bigger stuff. Feel a bit stupid to have wasted so much money on a move that never quite worked out, but still. When I finally do move to my own place, I think it basically has to be (a) when I’m more financially stable and independent and (b) somewhere else in the country, probably down South. Meantime, things should be okay-ish here, and at least money will be less tight.

Big decisions! Well, not really. I’m trying to decide if I should have something done with my crappy hair. I’ve been advised to have it shorter and maybe with a fringe. I’m not sure I like this idea…
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Reading

Yup, almost two weeks since last entry, and I wish there was a lot to report, but it’s been mostly a time of thinking, along with a fair bit of reading. I’ve just read the first collection of Arthur Conan Doyle’s Sherlock Holmes stories, which are very entertaining. I’ll probably read the others when I have chance, but I have a lot of other stuff to read, too.
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How to Fail

Two weeks and no entries! Well, yeah. Nothing has really changed in the last fortnight. I guess I’m stuck with a genuine tendency towards persistence, i.e. I persist in spite of no break from my angst and having major trouble generally. Being blasé is the best policy, but I never got the hang of that. I think my life has always been one of belief and integrity, insofar as that’s possible, but experience tells me it’s not a recipe for success. Not giving much of a fuck about anything is probably the path to success. But if I could be like that, I’d be someone else. Convenient personality changes aren’t part of my repertoire, unfortunately.
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I am the Weakest Link!

Irregular blog entries = strong indication of continuing lack of enthusiasm.

How do I feel at the moment? Good and bad, in an odd sort of way. At times, I think I have a shitload of things to say here but my mind often goes blank when it comes to putting them down—quite often, it’s fleeting observations on some television programme I watched, etc., so nothing too exciting.

On the telly theme, it bothers me a bit that I sit and watch Who Wants to be a Millionaire and The Weakest Link, not with detached boredom but almost a genuine level of interest! Am I turning into a middle-aged couch potato? Even worse, the ‘Who Shot Phil?’ palaver on EastEnders had me fairly gripped. I should be ashamed of myself.
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