The good news is, I’m hopefully writing something again. I mean writing as in it being published somewhere other than this Web site. More details when it seems appropriate.
As to my latest project idea: this is maybe my fifth in two years! All dead ducks. Maybe this will be different, but I’m gonna keep it purely speculative. My ability to ‘realise’ ideas has taken one or three knocks.
Read More »The Poison Pen Returns
Should I mention I have another project idea? It might be tempting fate, since in recent years, every idea I’ve had has either been unfeasible or has stalled irrevocably!
But I’m toying with ideas, and again, being drawn to the online PDF format. It’s not a format I prefer, but it’s a question of money. I’ve done small press stuff in the past on a shoe-string, but I like to feel a sense of progression—and printed material is a high-cost kind of progression.
Read More »This Week’s Brainstorm
I’m not sorry to see 2003 go. It was in some ways a significant year… we got the house move situation sorted out, finally, and I made the arguably foolish decision to kiss Der State Benefit System goodbye because I no longer felt my life was my own…
That said, I can no longer define a year as a unit as precisely as I felt I once could. Each year once appeared to have a particular ‘personality,’ which no longer seems to be the case (to me). Well, after all, a year is just an arbitrary unit of measurement, so the former impression was probably illusory.
Read More »Does a New Year Mean Anything?
I’m experiencing some emotional turmoil, with various factors ever-present. My employment situation, general isolation and lack of self-belief, etc. They’re big issues, without any obvious answers, and it drags my morale down constantly. It is possible in fifteen years to go from thinking you have tons of creative potential to believing you’re worth nothing. A long cycle of non-success is usually sufficient.
Read More »Slight Improvement?!
No, I haven’t abandoned the blog. I just haven’t had much to say, really. Mom and I both had a nasty cold week before last (caught from her boss), and with mom’s health not being great, she’s still suffering the effects, so it’s been a subdued atmosphere.
I got asked for a blowjob today by someone about 15 years my junior. Charming folk round here! But, I guess, the nearest thing to a proposition I’m gonna get anytime soon. 🙂
Read More »Back and Forth
As noted in the previous comments thingy, I made the decision Monday that I’d had enough of the endless New Deal harassments (it’s been going on in some form or other since March). I had two appointments in one day: I neglected to attend both of them.
The government will, of course, suspend my benefit almost immediately. Well, tough! I almost took this route four months ago, but someone out there (not a Jobcentre person, I hasten to add) decided to treat me with a bit of understanding. Fine. But enough’s enough. Their tiny handouts just aren’t worth the stress. Sunday, I had a recurrence of IBS, which hasn’t bothered me for a year or so. By Monday, it was crippling me. Funnily enough, it’s mostly subsided now. I might be in deep shit as far as money goes, but I feel a lot less stressed out.
Oh, I haven’t a clue what to do. Broadly speaking, I think I have to consider myself self-employed at the moment and figure out if I can make money from something for once in my life.
Read More »Moving On
I think I consider myself an unsuccessful person in most respects. I’m always wary of buying into someone else’s subjective value system; our government would, no doubt, love to ram their values down all our throats forcibly if that were possible. I’m trying to define success on a personal level that means something to me.
Trouble is, even on my own terms, I can’t find much from my current or past life that would qualify as successful (or even especially rewarding, which is probably the best kind of success of all). I’ve wasted half my life treading water. I think my recent birthday still troubles me on that level.
I don’t think I relate to other people very well. Most people are very facile at pretending they’re okay (most of the time), really well adjusted and comfortable, etc. I’m not sure it’s possible for any of us to be genuinely comfortable in this intense, madhouse environment we’re living in. We’ve abandoned almost everything that constituted our default existence, and such profound artificiality can’t possibly hold together coherently. Well, I mean, it doesn’t! I think society is more culturally divided than it ever was, even though more people are straining to pretend otherwise. (Usually, alas, to flatter their own egos rather than to seek genuine change.)
Read More »Success is…?
I was quite depressed today. I feel a little better now, but only slightly. The truth is, it’s one thing to take a stand against being manipulated by the government—but being in deep shit financially is another.
I’m in deep shit.
Read More »Yeah, I Have Issues
My latest attempt at being creative: a portrait of Jack Kirby’s Darkseid character.
Maybe it’s time to think of a new project. I haven’t realised any ideas for a long time. It would have to be something entirely different and new (to me), though. I still feel in the shadow of things I did years ago, somehow. Bad feeling.
My mood is totally up and down today.
Read More »Being a Creative Wannabe
