I’ve been thinking about human interaction a bit. Bad idea. Thinking usually ends up troubling me.
Sometimes, it seems to me that a lot of human interaction is bullshit. You pretend to feel better than you really do whenever possible, pretend to be more interesting than you think you really are, and generally ‘sell’ yourself. I’m absolutely useless at doing this. You’d think, understanding the theory, I might not be quite so pathetic at it—then again, part of the problem is understanding it, because then you start to question its futility or dishonesty and open another massive can of worms. Oboy. Too much time on my hands = too much analysis.
Work situation… a brief rant…
I haven’t done a thing lately to try to cultivate or improve whatever work prospects I might have. The best I can say is that I think about it, at nauseating length, every single day. But I never have anything resembling a workable idea.
I wish I could be in a place where I didn’t have to think about it at all, at least for a while. But the Jobcentre have been hassling me an awful lot lately, so the situation’s extremely tense. I don’t know what they’ll do, or what scheme they might force me on, if they don’t just stop my benefit. They did force me to go to an interview for something that is basically a new version of Job Club a couple of weeks ago. That went badly. The guy who saw me pointed out it was voluntary and when I replied that it certainly was not, that I had been forced there under threat of stopping my benefit, he got pissed off and referred me back to the Jobcentre. I’ve heard nothing since, so far.
This stuff is so humiliating and demeaning to my self-esteem. I’d really give anything to get out of this wretched system right now.
I’m not particularly looking for answers at the moment. If not for the Jobcentre, I’d be doing my best to just not think about stuff at all. I’m sick of pressure. I’d love a really long break from everything, but it doesn’t seem likely.
I have a trip into London next Friday. In theory, I get into Euston at 12 noon, although I couldn’t be specific about that until the day itself. (Virgin Trains: ’nuff said.) I should be meeting up with my old friend Paul Gravett, and since this is my first trip out of the Midlands for a whole year, I’m looking forward to the break.
We’re still planning to move, by the way. It’s just taken a long time to sort the house out, and neither me or mom are exactly bouncing with vigour! I think it will happen soon, though. I have mixed feelings about it, but mostly positive.