On the creative front: I’m asking myself about how and why one can derive creativity from angst or annoyance. This is interesting. I used to be able to channel any number of frustrations into creative work—I think it’s still possible, to an extent, but since my life, while still needing a lot of work, is broadly more tolerable than it was, say, two years ago, I find myself less creatively inclined toward using negative feelings in this way.
I wonder if that’s a good or bad thing? I suppose it’s good in most ways. Whereas when my life was truly down the toilet I could have used even a minor annoyance as a reason to write some dark, brooding, ponderous chunk of bile, I somehow don’t feel that need anymore.
I feel I am in a process of re-jigging my entire creative process, or the approach to it. I suspect this accounts for the lack of focus: before, I could focus intensely on inane little things and channel my creative drive through it… sometimes resulting in empowering or cathartic work—sometimes resulting in miserable, negative trash. But always carried out with an obsessive intensity. My life is perhaps too mediocre of late for me to feel a creative intensity of any kind; I’m treading new and different avenues, and still finding my feet, in a sense. I am happy to allow myself to float in these directions and find my muse in things that are not so intimately tied-in with bad shit in my life. But the journey has only just begun.
I never imagined this blog would be used to convey thoughts like this. I don’t suppose it’s of much interest to anyone else, but occasionally it’s neat to put my thoughts in order on a screen. Okay, okay, I’ll shut up now.