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loss

Mom: 20 Years On

I can’t believe I’m writing down that it’s TWENTY YEARS since my mother died. In all kinds of ways it seems surreal, improbable and deeply perplexing to try to process this apparent fact of chronology.

And yet, there it is. I have lately been rebuilding/restoring the old archives on this blog, dating back to December 7th 2000 (how naïve it all seemed back then), more than half of which are now back online, with much more to come… and there’s no doubting that these events happened a full two decades ago. The same day Alex Toth died; the birthday of both Vincent Price and Christopher Lee—what is it about May 27th?!

Mom August 1956
This is mom in August 1956, aged 13. She was a cool teen.

If you haven’t already, I hope you go and read the blog I wrote back on May 27th 2006 (and indeed my contribution in the comments thread). These posts say it all, with much more clarity and raw immediacy than I can hope to summon today. I was curiously impressed, looking back, at how articulate I was. I’m not sure I’d handle it as well today. I know I wasn’t, in fact, handling it well at all at that time (who does?)—but I was expressing myself extremely well.

I would like to use the second half of this post to… go deeper. But first, the positive stuff. I have a photo album page, fully restored and updated, dedicated to mom—which I will update over time, as I continue to scan more of the best old photos I have. You can view the page as it stands here:

In Memory of Mom.
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Fred H, RIP (2004-2018)

So: a belated return to posting on here, but it’s for a very sad reason. After getting over the New Year slash January funk, around January 24th, my beloved dog Fred started to get sick. At first it was extreme exercise intolerance, soon followed by alarming breathing difficulties and severe weakness/lethargy.

Fred January 2018

There he is above, asleep, back on January 6th. As far as we knew, he was more or less OK at this time. Very old, but fine.

An initial vet appointment early in February gave us a diagnosis of pulmonary fibrosis (apparently common in Westies) and suitable meds were given. I was not convinced or happy about this diagnosis; I had my own suspicions/fears, which later turned out to be correct. Anyhow, after a week or so, there was no improvement… and in fact, Fred had started to experience very obvious fluid build-up in his belly, which was having a big impact on his mobility and comfort.

We ended up going to a different vet by mid-February, and this time received the diagnosis I’d feared: Fred had terminal stage congestive heart failure. They drained his belly and started him on new meds (Vetmedin and Flurosemide), but in less than three days the fluid build-up (which was making it very difficult from him to lie down or rest) was becoming obvious once again. The drugs seemed to be doing nothing at all. We took him into the vet again last Saturday (Feb 24th), fully expecting him to not be coming home… but the vet we saw recommended an additional drug (Cardalis), as a last resort.
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Happy 2014

Well, I’ve left the blog unattended for aeons again. Just wanted to sneak in before this year is over and done with.

Hasn’t been a very good year, apart from the Bowie stuff. Chaotic, frustrating, lacking in any of the progress or affirmation I’m looking for.

And then, on November 25th, the author Joel Lane, who’d become a very good friend of mine in recent times, passed away suddenly. His delayed funeral, which I attended, was on December 23rd.

Gray Lodge January 2012
The January 2012 Lodge meeting—Joel is at the back, partially obscured. The others are Steve Green, me and Theresa Derwin.
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Renewal

As I type this specific sentence we’re at roughly 1:10am on the 27th. Of May. Not the friendliest of dates for me. Today, four years ago, my mother passed away. I’d be lying if I said it had been the greatest four years ever. It’s had its good points. Just not enough of them. And since moving back here in Dec ’07, I’d say the good points have receded quite dramatically.
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What’s Another Year

Yeah, 12 months tomorrow since mom died. Can’t believe it really, and I have no positive feelings to report on the matter.

Still in a bit of mess in terms of living situation too. Wish I could just get settled somewhere. Very depressed. May get drunk in a bit. Dunno. Not much else to say, really.

Here’s an early 1980s pic of mom…
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The Lost Weekend

During my absence I had a long weekend, June 30th-July 3rd, with Andy Luke of Livejournal Fame (or is that Andy Luke of YouTube fame?).

Andy was due here Friday afternoon. At noon that day, the guy next door very kindly took mom’s clothes in his car for me, to donate to a local charity shop. Four bags, plus a bag of clothes hangers. Sorting that out really did my head in. It’s like another door closing, you know? I was depressed and went back to bed for a while. Andy arrived around 4.15pm; I finally woke up (again!) at 4.30, called him and explained the situation, and all was well.
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Mom

Mom & Nan Photobooth 1960s

That’s mom, some years before I even existed, in the early to mid-’60s. The older woman is her mother, my nan, who died in 1989. It’s one of four little photobooth snaps mom carried around in her purse right to the end. I found them last night and shed tears.

I want to remember her a little bit. Paul called me this afternoon and we were on for over two hours. A bit of a life-saver, that. He was interested to see some of the older photos as he met her a couple of times and spoke to her on the phone occasionally.
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What’s Up?

Life update since the death of my father…

Mom has decided to sell this house and move somewhere smaller, so that we have some money in the bank as savings. Dad left no savings at all and had no life insurance. We’ll be staying in this area, though. We might even get a two-bedroom flat, actually. Neither of us are gardeners, so a garden would be a needless burden.
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Loss

On July 7th 2002, in the early hours, our family dog Fred died, following a long illness. We’d been prepared for it for some time, but it was still a blow, as he was only eight years old.

By the early evening of the same day, astonishingly, my father was being rushed to hospital with a massive heart attack. In the early hours of July 8th, after several attempts to revive him, he too passed away. We’d had no warning of this, although the doctor said he had apparently been suffering from a serious, undiagnosed heart condition for a long time. He was 62.

Fred in 1998
Fred in 1998.
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