I’m not sorry to see 2003 go. It was in some ways a significant year… we got the house move situation sorted out, finally, and I made the arguably foolish decision to kiss Der State Benefit System goodbye because I no longer felt my life was my own…
That said, I can no longer define a year as a unit as precisely as I felt I once could. Each year once appeared to have a particular ‘personality,’ which no longer seems to be the case (to me). Well, after all, a year is just an arbitrary unit of measurement, so the former impression was probably illusory.
Otherwise, it’s the same old issue of whether I’m worth anything to anyone. I’ve been told I have talent, ability and potential so many times over the years (and I even used to believe it myself), but no one’s ever defined what it is… and no one in a position to offer me work ever agreed with the sentiment, either, which to me seems quite meaningful. So, same as I said before: finding something I can actually do really well and get paid for it, OR, coming to terms with the fact that I’ve deluded myself about my ability for a loooong time!
(Incidentally, this is NOT an invitation for more discussion on Web design! Bottom line: I don’t think I’m good enough—if anyone disagrees, point me towards a person who will pay me money for this shit, or shut up! The onus is not on me to prove a theory I don’t believe, right? End of story.)
New Years Resolutions™? Some. I still want to be less stressed out, and finding my blood pressure is fairly okay makes me feel more positive about that. I want to find more people I can trust, because there’s only one person out there who I trust right now (my lack of trust has been exacerbated by a long string of people completely abusing it over time; I doubt I’ll ever fully recover). Oh, and I’d like to achieve something useful, without any reservations, for once in my life… but the principle is as far as that idea goes at the moment.
That’s all.