I’m experiencing some emotional turmoil, with various factors ever-present. My employment situation, general isolation and lack of self-belief, etc. They’re big issues, without any obvious answers, and it drags my morale down constantly. It is possible in fifteen years to go from thinking you have tons of creative potential to believing you’re worth nothing. A long cycle of non-success is usually sufficient.
I should thank all those who have tried to dispense advice; the intent was appreciated, even if the substance wasn’t helpful.
The running theme always seems to be my Web design ‘skill’—an idea that appealed for a short while, but my enthusiasm was curtailed by the reality that my stuff simply isn’t good enough. This site is fairly well-made for a blog, but it took long months of fiddling and fine-tuning to get there. The only area I still have some belief in remains my writing, really… and even then, it’s not enough belief to feel I can make something from it. (I got another rejection letter last week, which didn’t improve my mood any.)
It’s going to take a lot more time for me to accept I’m a rubbish no-talent. But I’m working on it!
Hi Chrissie,
Hope you are feeling better.
I can’t agree with your comments about your website skills being not good enough.
Something to cheer you up, go look at http://www.gerberfoods.com, that web page has been in various states of design for years. That company turns over 100’s of millions of pounds a year, think on that a bit.
I don’t know who has been telling you your skills are not good enough.
On the personal side of things the only way to end isolation is to get out and do something. Anything if you want to meet people in the short term.
If you think about it you are in a position where you have nothing to loose, try anything and everything. If nothing else do something on the pretext of research for a book, be that as an excuse to gain access or for your own personal reasons. You need experiences to feed the imagination, if nothing else create a pretext for gaining short stories from people on the web ? Short story exchange.
By the way,,, did you see the big read ? they had book reading group contacts for local areas – just something you might be interested in.
PS.
I’m not a Guru on web design, but I do have very good programming skills – I’ve never really bothered with web design because they don’t do much other than text and pictures.
If you want some help or advice then please ask, I’ve got access to loads of books and various designers and web servers etc. Most of which are free – just ask.
No one tells me my Web skills aren’t good enough. That’s my own belief. I do basic HTML and a bit of CSS, which I don’t think is enough. Then there’s my aforementioned dithering over a very simple design for months and months. I just don’t see it. But I fear I’ve managed to open the old can of worms yet again…
Don’t know what I’m supposed to make of the Gerber site, i.e. there’s almost nothing there, although what is there looks rather more structured and polished than anything I’ve ever done. (Hint: this site is the best thing I’ve ever done. And it was a mighty struggle to make it so.)
What would I do on the pretext of research? I don’t have any ideas. My lack of ideas is the main thing that has defeated my writing. Well, it would really, wouldn’t it!
Help and advice is welcome in principle, but I don’t even know what I’m meant to be asking for. That’s the kind of dead-end I find myself in…
Hi,
The Gerber site, which has been a mishmash or something like that for years, is nothing more than a few JPEGs.
Those JPEGs have come from their marketing people, so all someone has done is scanned the photos in and created a web site.
The polish, if you like, has come with no effort on behalf of the web designer.
Anyway,,, I’m not gonna push you into something you don’t want to do.
On the writing side I can only suggest ideas, you have time (It’s implied) on your hands so why not do some research.
For example: Some good books I know and love are Tales of the Bard, a set of three books based on a champion of the old gods based on Celtic Legends.
So I assume in this case the auther has done a hell of a lot of research into Celtic legends first, I can only assume that from there a lot of the side story lines are based on those beliefs and myths.
I understand that you like horror books,, so why don’t you do some research into themes from myths, legends, magazines, criminals and anything else that springs to mind.
From reading these via the library you’d get an idea for what is topical and maybe a feed that interests you – hence storyline. For example you could feed in current news into the storyline – Fred West and his ilk are infact inspired by unknown evil element etc.
Then again, who the hell am I to suggest these things ?
Even I know the Gerber site involves a bit more than simply scanning photos in. It’s a grouping of custom images that forms a neat, well-structured overall design. I’d assume the Web designer produced these, otherwise they paid someone for doing nothing.
What’s so great about my Web site? There are thousands of blogs out there using this basic kind of design (and, obviously, I stole the root code from another site)—to be imaginative would be to come up with a different kind of approach. Okay, no one else uses this particular colour scheme, but I don’t think the colours are winning any awards. Since several people have pushed Web design my way, I’d love to know what makes them think I’m so good at it… no one’s explained that to me yet. It’s not a question of ‘not wanting to do it,’ so much as: what on earth qualifies me to do it? One blog site that took many months of tinkering to get into this state? Someone explain my greatness to me.
You offered help and advice: fine, but remember you’re dealing with a dummy who hasn’t got a single idea. Including knowing what help or advice would be useful.
Same thing on the writing. You’ve just come up with a more substantial idea above than I’ve had for years, just off the top of your head. Maybe you should be writing. I think I should be taking a hint of some kind, i.e. I’m not really very creative.
Arrrrrrggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh !
It’s like talking to a teenager !
Argh !
I can only speak from a user’s point of view (I have limited experience of designing web pages), but I like this site because its easy to navigate and looks sharp. Everything is where you expect it to be – kind of intuitive. It is one of the most memorable sites I’ve seen. Yay purple!
James
I agree 100% with James.
An extract from Java Platform Performance, strategies and tactics – it’s a book that goes beyond how to program and more into styles and techniques to render efficient programs.
“Computer scientists and software engineers sometimes discuss the ELEGANCE of a piece of code. Elegant code, like good art, is a bit hard to define. However, the elegant solution is generally one that approaches the problem in a way that is minimally complex and maximally suited to the particular problem being solved. As a result, elegant code is almost always fast code. One rule of thumb is that an elegant solution is one that you wouldn’t mind calculating by hand.”
By the way the book cost £27 for 230 pages so its must be good stuff.
So from the horses mouth from people who designed the language that runs the web – you have designed an elegant solution. Something most programmers strive to do but rarely succeed in doing.
If you want some more BAD examples go check the Sony sites – they are a mess, a missmash of broken links, unstructured information and poorly explained ( Who cares about wizz bang presentation if you can’t find what you need )
The Sun site – java.sun.com – was bad too until recently. It’s getting better but even the people who created Java can screw up.
Microsoft, again it’s breaking down – broken links and the crap search engine that shows everything under the sun.
Personally a site that works properly is rare and one that is ergonically presented is even rarer.
I’m glad someone likes purple, anyway. I’m less glad that my expressing opinions/feelings gets categorised as infantile. I’d delete that crack if it wasn’t perversely amusing.
Would it sound unreasonable if I said my site is simple because complexity makes my head hurt? I guess no one’ll buy it. Simple = easy to maintain and update, less chance of forgetting how it works, etc. In other words, the simplicity is a happy accident, coming from my lack of advanced knowledge and aversion to more complex techniques.
If someone asked me for animations or Flash or advanced Javascript, PHP, online ordering, etc., or generally anything that isn’t on this site, I’d be dead in the water. Surely that’s an important point? ‘This is what I can do—this is ALL I can do!’ So give me that help and advice if you really think it’s viable. I don’t, but I’d be happy to be proved wrong. If I honestly believed there was money in the limited things I can do, I’d be interested…
Hi Chrissie – I’ve been reading your blog off and on for 18 months now, god knows how I ended up here but I find it interesting as I struggle with mental illness as well.
The reason I’m suddenly de-lurking is the “job as a web designer” debate. I worked as a graphic designer for eight years so I’ve got some insight. Basically five/six years ago web design was in its wild frontier stage, anyone with a computer and a few basic skills could knock up a website and companies were crying out for sites no matter what level as long as they had a presence on the Internet. Unfortunately things have changed web design has become established and therefore the level and competition for work has raised drastically. For example a bog-standard web design job with a company will require at least a year of previous experience if not two, a degree in Graphic Design, and competent knowledge of Illustrator, PhotoShop, Quark, Dreamweaver, Flash or similar programs.
The way around this is to focus on small local business that maybe can’t afford to hire a design company. This means becoming freelance and that comes at a price – you are constantly chasing work and may spend more time getting work than doing work, you are constantly worrying about where the next job is coming from and if it will come at all. These sort of jobs are far and few between so you are working with a disadvantage to begin with. This is what I want to warn you about, working freelance almost destroyed me, the constant stress considerably worsened my depression and will to live. Now I work part-time for a small computer company and teach IT in the evening the money is shit but I’m a lot happier for it.
Remember that with any creative job the competition is fierce and if you suffer from depression it’s a crippling disadvantage. I’m going through the same thing as you at the moment, 10 years ago I was quite a successful illustrator working for a couple of major magazines and newspapers, then the pressure got on top of me and I couldn’t work at that level again. I’m bitter and frustrated at the lose of creative potential and success, I know I can do it but unfortunately being creative for a living comes at a high prize, you have to constantly work your arse off to stay above water. You can’t afford to have ‘off’ days so if you have depression you’re fucked. I’ve come to the conclusion that life too short and holding onto dreams and making them define your choices will kill you, have you read Arthur Miller’s “Death of a Salesman”, if not pick up a copy.
Find something you can do that’s not as high pressured and you enjoy. Then channel your creativity into something you can do in your spare time. I got into teaching by being a volunteer, it got me out of the house and found I really enjoyed it. I’m not saying that it’ll work for you but there’s lots of organisations out there that desperately need volunteers, it’ll restore your faith in the human race when you see the unselfishness of some people.
If you remove the need for ‘success’ about being creative you will be a lot happier. If the price of success is your mental health is it worth it?
For the record, I don’t like the term mental illness much, and don’t consider myself to be suffering from it. Suffering from depression as a result of my life being rather crap seems pretty reasonable and sane to me. (I mean: what’s the alternative? Pretending things are great? How sane is that?) Not that splitting definitions achieves much.
I agree with the comments about the pitfalls and obstacles of this Web design thing. It was never my idea. Almost a dozen different people have suggested it in the last couple of years, and at times I’ve found the idea fairly intriguing… until I start to consider the realities of it, including my own relative lack of skill, and particularly the problem of selling that nominal skill in an ever-progressing field. Especially since selling is my weakest point.
Anyway, my original posting was, after all, about my efforts to accept I’m not the creative genius I once thought. Surely it’s the only way to go. I have fifteen years or so of utter failure behind me. It’s time to get real.
Actually feeling shitty about a shitty life is not a sane approach. Think about it if you’re in a bad situation do you:
a) try to find a way out
b) feel bad and do nothing to change the situation
If you put your hand in a fire is the sane approach to hold it there and scream that it hurts. I know it’s an easy thing to say and a hard thing to do but you always have a choice how you see a situation. There is no thing as bad news or good news, simply news. How you interrupt determines the world you experience.
And actually depression is a mental illness and if you treat it as an illness you can cure sometimes cure it as an illness. It worked for me.
Feeling shitty about a shitty life has approximately nothing to do with whether you try to do something about it or not. The alternative is feeling great about a shitty life, the sanity of which you haven’t explained…
So, when a relative dies, that’s not actually bad news? Hm. I see.
As to depression, we’re getting into whether it’s a chemical imbalance with no external cause or merely a reaction to life being bad. One of those can be cured as an illness. Guess which one?
I resent the implication that I’ve tried to do nothing about my situation. I’m just out of ideas. And, incidentally, I’m not going to piss away my time debating semantics. Thanks.
Depression is relative to the context you think from. Grief is something that has to be gone through, this includes losing your job as much as anything else.
However, constantly going over past problems is something to be steered away from. That’s why I would say stop going over your past – look at it as a learning experience and try to use that knowledge to not make the same mistakes again.
I agree with Jake about the jobs advertised, yes this is true. However a LOT of people lie about what skills they have got – in my last contract my boss lied to get the job and he was earning over £100,000 a year. In fact I know of one Irish guy who was on contract that earnt £20,000 in 3 months and never produced one program that worked. They wouldn’t sack him because his mate was ok at his job and they both sid they would leave if Irish guy was sacked.
These things are common place, I even know of worse corporate stuff going into £millions lost or disappeared so stop putting these people on a pedistal.
Personally I’ve never met a person with a degree that was any good at a job, somehow they seem to have an I can’t be bothered attitude – which also extends to learning new skills. But, that’s my experience.
If you are interested in web design as a possible career then these are my suggestions:
1) Get intouch with any local groups who may have like minds. Look for community groups offering internet access and courses via colleges. Usually there’s a group of people that meet up and learn/design websites. You might even get a part time job there as an assistant.
2) Try for a part time job.
3) Measure you skills against others – so you know what skills you need, can set yourself targets and improve your self worth.
4) When ready advertise to provide home web sites – for a fee of your choice. Include any contacts you wish from the community centre.
5) If 4) works out you might get some business contacts or when you are confident enough expand to advertising for small business work.
6) Progress and move on.
Chrissie, I’ll be interested in learning some web skills myself in 6 months to a years time but what I’m doing is a long way off.
If I get around to doing anything in the short term can I contact you for some help ?
I agree about learning from past mistakes, although, quite honestly, the only thing I’ve learned is that I’ve failed at everything I’ve ever tried to do! That’s the main reason I don’t feel much optimism about anything with a creative slant.
The problem with bluffing, BTW, is the ever-present potential of being asked to do something you can’t do. Without the advantage of having friends on hand to cover your butt, this spells big trouble.
To answer your points:
(1) The truth? I despise academic environments and I’m not a team player. I certainly wouldn’t want a job as assistant anywhere if that involved showing people how to do stuff. I’m way too temperamental to deal with people in that way on a regular basis; my ‘people skills’ are zero.
(2) This isn’t remotely possible for the time being. In any case, I’m not interested in anything that smells of the rat race. (A big failing of mine, that.)
(3) I already do measure my skills against others. I’m generally not very impressed with the comparison, if I look at professional sites. In the ‘genre’ of blog sites, I come off looking a bit better, though I personally feel there are loads of blogs out there much better than this one, both in terms of content and design.
(4) The number of people willing to pay money for a personal home page must be incredibly tiny. I might get somewhere if I offered the service gratis, to extend my portfolio. (Hint: lots of great designers, i.e. better than me, give away their skins for free. Do a search. There are hundreds of them.)
(5) By this point, I’m almost in a Zimmer frame, but fine, it’s possible!
(6) Ditto.
(Obviously, I’d already given all this a lot of thought long ago. That’s why I have an answer to everything. Nothing personal.)
Finally, sure, you can ask me for help anytime. I can’t promise I’ll be able to give it, though. I learned what little I know from online references and stealing bits of code from other sites. Asking Google would probably be a lot quicker and infinitely more helpful, but—whatever!
I posted a message and it was here a hour ago – is it computer error or has the message been deleted?
Comments that I feel are of an excessively personal nature and/or way beyond the context of the discussion might get deleted. (This has only happened twice.) In this case it was the former. Your mistake was taking an example I made and equating it with my personal situation—incorrectly. I am thoroughly intolerant of second-guessing, especially when it’s wrong.
I’d suggest anyone wanting to get overly personal should take it to private e-mail. Nothing gets deleted that way. If anyone doesn’t like it, the exit’s down there on the left…
But despite all our excuses for not doing something, we only REALLY have ourselves to blame for our situation in life.
Shit happens to good people. You have to rise above it. Why go through life full of resentment and complain about things you CANNOT change.
I don’t suppose we’ve experienced what you’re going through but I know people that have. I know people that have gone through WAY worse. Some haven’t survived but others continue to go from strength to strength.
Maybe you should reconsider counselling, whether it be professional or self help. If only to change your perceptions a little… maybe even help you to see the ‘rat race’ from a new angle. Lot’s of people don’t like it but many have to join to survive… even creative people. You might find it’s not so bad if you try it.
Sometimes we need to just swallow our pride and be realistic about our lives and our ambitions in order to get on with it and start enjoying our free time.
No malice intended.
I didn’t detect any malice, but that aside, the idea that everyone is to blame for their situation in life is complete bullshit that doesn’t even require an extreme example (i.e. someone starving in the Third World) to rebut. Don’t be silly.
Anyway, who was making excuses for not doing anything? Where is my statement that I’ve never done anything to try to improve things? I have been specifically dismissing Web design. I think it’s an unrealistic, improbable route. Do you disagree?
I’ve had a little bit of counselling in the past. In a word: arse. Talking to myself is about as effective and a lot less trouble.
If I don’t want to be part of the rat race, why should I be forced into it? By the necessity of survival? You know what—that’s one of the core things that I’m pissed off about. I don’t want to live just to survive. I’m better than that. So I’ll keep looking for another way, whether I can find one or not…
Some career options you may or may not have considered… 1) From your interest in literature I think you could be a good English Lit / Language teacher. Your knowledge of great authors such as Shakespeare is obvious from the site, as is your interest in creative writing. Without a degree, you would need to do a three year course, but you would be paid £6000 just to start and a further £4000 later. Britain needs far more English teachers than novelists. You would get a steady income and could get a job locally. Social and teaching skills can be taught providing you have even minimal aptitude (from the Blog you seem to be good at explaing things, if only in text). You would get a career of at least two decades after training. No corporate rat race.
2) A bit more radical… You could become a plumber! Stick with me here… Less training, be your own boss, no corporate rat race, good pay, much in demand, leaves time for creative work under less pressure. The increase in self-employed, often manual, work is the only thing pushing unemployemnt lower at the moment.
If not 1) or 2) and you think its time to ‘get real’, are there any jobs you thought of yourself?
Hey James, I like the idea of being a plumber. I’ve taken myself out on a limb and I’m trying to create my own software company with it’s own range of products.
Having sat behind a desk for 17 years, manual work has a novelty all of it’s own – I do any manual work with the pleasure of the physical aspects and the permanant result of my efforts. It may be silly to some but I really enjoy it. So if all things fail I would personally go for plumbing, carpentry, building or landscaping.
Chrissie, if the school brats would get you down then think about the plumbing angle. For a lady, the potential social aspects could be great. Also note that the pay is great – not 100% sure but I think it’s well above £500 a week.
Love the idea about being a brain surgeon – if you had an example patient (Like this example web site) then you might even get some takers 😛
Okay, so when I’m born into a Third World country, I’ll change my opinion. When I referred to ‘ourselves’ I was specifically thinking of *us* in a modern society. People in the Third World are a totally different story and their lives bear little relation to ours.
People are coping, surviving, succeeding and even triumphing over FAR worse adversities every day. People with AIDS. People dealing with child abuse. People with horrifc scars. Just a few extreme examples.
Perhaps one of the problems is that you do feel you’re ‘better than that’? Perhaps *good* counselling could help that? I’m sure you are better than that but it’s not a good enough reason not to try.
Lots of amazing creative people have had to work shit jobs before they were recognised. It’s not just about surviving. It’s about surviving until you can get something better. Maybe you need to achieve something to prove you’re ‘better than that’? Rather than just having the feeling.
Lots of us elevate ourselves to make us feel better than others but ultimately it’s counter-productive as you slowly build a wall around yourself that people stop trying to penetrate.
As for counselling, it’s a minfield. There are good and appalling out there. I’ve seen people commit suicide because of bad counsellors opening up old wounds without offering any solution.
You’re obvioulsy a very intelligent person but maybe you could be more self-aware? Learn your faults. Even if you think you already are self-aware, just keep an open mind and try picking up some recommended ‘self help’ books? None of us are too good for some improvement.
The Third World thing IS an extreme example, but the idea that everyone is ‘to blame for [their] situation in life’ (your words) is still utter nonsense. It’s pure rhetoric. It’s an indefensible argument.
Maybe saying ‘I’m better than that’ is a bad way of putting it, as you’re inferring I mean I’m better than other people. That isn’t what I mean. It’s a very personal feeling. No reflection on anyone else.
I’m not sure what kind of achievement being a drudge is, to be honest. It would be just for money. On a personal level, it wouldn’t mean anything to me. Life really isn’t very interesting or rewarding for most people, but the instinct to survive and exist holds things together. I don’t share that feeling. I look for something more, and the moment I give up all hope of that is the moment I decide life isn’t worth the trouble.
As to the job ideas above: even if it interested me, I think there are too many lousy teachers around already. It ought to be a vocation. I have no interest in it. I’m impatient with incomprehension. I’d be the worst teacher in the world, but I’m okay with that—I loathe the idea.
The thought of being a plumber is at least amusing. I still hate the idea, though. You’ve managed to pick two of the least likely things possible. And, BTW, I consider both of these to be rat race jobs, using the definition ‘doing something you hate simply to earn money.’ It’s all the same to me.
I don’t know what jobs I wouldn’t hate. I don’t have a so-called work ethic and I’m not ambitious. My only interest is in being able to earn some money doing something I don’t find too offensive. Terrible as it sounds, the ideal situation is having a partner who can worry about all that shit. (Being a big ugly weirdo makes that fairly unlikely.) It’s all a stupid, convoluted, stressful game, really, and I find it incredibly boring and aggravating… and I think it’s helped to kill a lot of my creative thinking, too.
The only good point, for me, is that I’m still resisting the system. I need to find my own way through this. I’m just not sure how.
Maybe I should have worded things differently too but the fact of the matter is, there are choices out there for most people. Whether you choose to accept those choices *is* your decision. In that respect, we do have ourselves to blame. Accepted, there are some things we can’t change though.
Most people I know in the rat race do it because they want to earn money to afford the things that they do care about and enjoy. However, some are lucky enough to have careers in the rat race that they enjoy too. To some degree anyway!
Like I said before, a lot of very creative and talented people have to shovel shit to get by so that they can achieve their dreams. They probably feel the same way as you do about the rat race. I just think that there are times we all have to do stuff in life that we don’t like.
Maybe that’s where you could work on a change of perception. At least dabble a toe in the water anyway. At worst, you’ll lose a few days of your life to a crap job. You never know though, you might like it!
I think there is a certain nobility to doing a shit job day in, day out, to support a family, give a little to charity or to buy your Mum a Christmas present – little things beyond survival that demonstrate your priorities, values and sense of purpose.
My grandfather started out as a odd-job plasterer, then learnt bricklaying, plumbing etc. In the end he built a house for his family.
One of my favourite ever quotes:
“If a man is called to be a street sweeper, he should sweep streets even as Michelangelo painted, or Beethoven composed music or Shakespeare wrote poetry. He should sweep streets so well that all the hosts of heaven and earth [atheists: read ‘other people’] will pause to say, here lived a great street sweeper who did his job well.” Rev. Dr. Martin Luther-King Jr.
There ends my Christmas message 😉
Merry Christmas, Chrissie.
Trouble is, I don’t claim to be noble. I admit to that with no shame.
Christmas? Oh, that bloody religious festival! I’ve lost all patience with it myself…
Well, have a merry Christmas, even if you’re troubled, ignoble, shameless and impatient. Humbug! 🙂
PS I take issue with your description of yourself as a “big ugly wierdo”. As far as I can tell you are an average sized attractive young woman with unfortunately low self-esteem. Try some strategically placed mistletoe!
There won’t be any mistletoe or any other Christmas activity round here, apart from watching the shit on television. Oh, mom insists on the decorations and the turkey, which I’d skip if I was living on my own. It’ll be a big fat nothing, but since that saves me from hypocrisy (I hold religion in contempt), that’s okay.
As far as I can tell, you’ve never met me. I’m not attractive and I’m not even young. We can’t all be desirable. I’m sure my unfortunate appearance contributes to my low self-esteem, but I try to ignore it as much as I can. 35 is middle-aged, and that’s another reason to be down, considering all the time that’s been wasted achieving nothing of value; physically, it’s all downhill from here, and I see lots of signs of that already.
(Incidentally, I would love to take those compliments if they bore any resemblance to the truth. Really. It’s a nice thought.)
well i dont think what a person does or doesnt look like, or perceives themself to look like has any bearing on their happiness. some people have what would be recognised as good looks, they have success and they are still unhappy, look at all these musicians/actors etc who have it all and still end up topping themselves.i think it comes down to liking yourself or accepting yourself and not a physical thing.
truth is most of us have it easy living in a country like england with a system that pays unemployment benefit and other benefits. not that it helps knowing that people in other countries are worse off because happiness is down to various factors, genetics, upbringing etc.the key to being happy i guess is having a genuine sense of humour and not a cynical one, an easy going approach to life and finding a life partner. and peace of mind is crucial.now where did i put that key!!
anyway at least the shortest day is over and light nights are on there way, hey only 4 months of cold weather left 🙂
What unemployment benefit? I was more or less forced to give up my benefit because the Jobcentre’s constant harassment was affecting my health adversely. And there’s nothing I can do about it.
Finding a life partner is easier said than done for some of us. Really. Being attractive must help. I expect to always be alone, and I have no choice but to be okay with that. I have a sense of humour, but it’s pretty often tested to the limit…
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